For instance, when people-oriented listeners hear an interview with a famous rap artist, they are likely to be more curious about the artist as an individual than about music, even though the people-oriented listener might also appreciate the artist’s work.
People-oriented listeners listen to the message in order to learn how the speaker thinks and feels about the message. The people-oriented listener is one that is interested in the speaker. Mark Murphy is the author of Truth At Work: The Science Of Delivering Tough Messages, Hiring For Attitude and Hundred Percenters.\) That means appreciating and understanding their struggle, or more simply, empathic listening.
#Empathetic listening inside out driver
Just remember that the number one driver of whether an employee will trust their boss is whether their boss responds constructively when they share their work problems. When we do that, not only do we understand this person much more but their trust in us only grows. When we listen empathically we’re focusing our attention on the person who’s talking we’re focused on climbing inside their head and seeing the world as they see it. In fact, it subtly tells them that they’re somewhat dumb for not having already figured out the solution that we’ve developed. But as soon as we say “I did” we’re essentially telling them two things: First, that whatever you just shared isn’t really holding my attention so I’d much rather listen to me talk about myself.Īnd second, it tells our conversation partner that we’ve already got their problem figured out for them. When listening to someone (a friend, boss, colleague, etc.) we want the focus to stay on them and whatever they’ve chosen to share with us.
“I” is a tricky word in general, and it’s a good idea to be mindful of how often we use it, especially when we’re listening to someone else.
If you want to be a truly empathic listener, get rid of any phrases from your lexicon that begin with “I.” This includes “I find,” “I do,” “I like to,” and “I always.” Each of those phrases takes the focus away from the speaker and puts it onto us. So now, let's tackle the worst word in the response. They’re not looking for an easy fix, they’re looking to be heard. And that’s similar to what our friend has done with sharing their stress. Have you ever brought a problem to your boss without wanting them to solve it for you? A time when you just wanted a sounding board? Or someone to hear your concerns without shoving an answer down your throat? Of course, we’ve all done that. And when you hear that, it means this person wants empathy. But that’s not what they said they just expressed their stress. If they wanted a swift kick in the posterior, or prescriptive advice, they would have said “I need someone to shake me out of this funk” or something similar. What they want is someone to truly hear them, to appreciate and understand their struggle. Now, it may be the case that our friend does need to see this stress as a growth opportunity maybe that would be better for them in the long run. After all, I would see it as a growth opportunity, and I’m pretty amazing, so you should follow my advice and also see it as a growth opportunity. They shouldn’t be feeling stressed, they should be viewing this as a growth opportunity. It tells our friend that we know better than they do what their next steps should be. This response, “I find that enduring these kinds of really tough situations can be great chances for us to grow,” is not empathic because it’s a veiled form of advice. Now, before I highlight the one word that really ruins this response, let's look at the larger picture.
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